MidReal Story

Bridge of Shadows

Scenario: Walking in the cool night breeze, wearing nothing but a sweater, was Rin. Rin Okumura. As careless as he is, the chilling air wasn't of mind. He usually sits on the roof right above his room but tonight, Rin felt compelled to take a walk despite it being 3:00 am.  Alone, a haunting feeling that's been, eating at Rin his whole life. Rin mumbles to himself, still roaming the dark of night. This is the time Rin is alone with his thoughts. Though it was always hard for Rin to sleep, insomnia got its best when his dad died. He didn't even try to sleep anymore, there was too much to think about. Each minute yet another thing adds to his already heavy heart. He feels extremely exhausted but unable to close his eyes. Leaving a feeling of  lifelessness. He reminisces through his thoughts. Every step he takes is anxiety-filled. I won't have to feel pain anymore. He smacks his head "Why was I born?!" All his life, he'd been struggling with giving an answer to that question. The moment his life went downhill was when his father was killed not only that he was the reason for his father's death. I am Rin Okumura ... The son of Satan He has kept that secret with him ever since. He knew, that he was different, but he never once thought it was...that. When he was exposed to this secret, he'd come to a realization. He always felt his demon side. He never knew what friends were, he never had friends. Being the son of Satan wasn't a big help in fitting in. When he got to cram school and met Bon, Shiemi, Konekomuru and Shima. He finally knew what it felt like to have friends, to not be alone. Rin kept this secret from everyone. He was too afraid of the way others would treat him if they found out. He knew that no one would ever see him the same. So, when they did, find out it didn't surprise him when he was looked at with those eyes, the eyes of hate and despise. His brother Yukio ignored him even though he knew. He blamed him for the death of his father. Though he wasn't surprised it still hurt. It still cut deep. He felt every one of those stares. The words cut even deeper. The people he called friends. Now hated him. They didn't care. They wanted him dead. "You know those blue flames kill people" "He deserves to be executed" "How long is the Vatican going to let him live?" "Why don't you just die" Those words hurt. Rin thought. Was I not your friend. Do you not cherish the memories we made. "It hurts," he says "it hurts" the pain consumes him. He folds his hands into fists and digs his nails into his palm. He tries to drown out the emotional pain with physical pain. Of course, it doesn't work but, in some ways, it calms him. Rin let a tear fall down his cheek. I'm the same Rin. I'm not just a fucking demon I'm human too. he thought, trying to convince himself. He continues to dig his nails into his palm till they rip through the skin and it starts to bleed. Even he struggled with the question of whether he was a monster or a human. It's not my fault my father is Satan. I didn't harm anyone. I wouldn't hurt anyone. "Damn it! I'm human, I'm human. I'm not evil" He couldn't hold any more tears. They just came flowing down his cheeks. He always wished if there was someone who understood what he was going through or maybe someone who didn't care he was half-demon. Someone, anyone. "That's impossible" Rin whispers "God, I'm so tired!" He's always been tired. Tired of the sleepless nights. The constant pain and loneliness. The heaviness of his heart. If life is this hard, he doesn't want any part of it. Rin was so deep in his thoughts. He didn't notice how far he was walking. He looks around and notices he's on a bridge. Pretty far from the school. He thought of going back but thought what is there waiting for me? What life do I have? Why am I even here? Why do I even exist? Rin steps a foot onto the railing of the bridge. "No one will care" He starts to breathe heavily as he steps forward with his other foot. "Noones going to stop me," he says Rin stands at the railing, arms stretched out. "I don't want to live" " You sure?" and he notices there was a girl standing on the railing right next to him. I guess I didn't notice. "You sure?" She repeats herself "You sure you want to jump cause I'll ... do it if you do it" Rin looks at this girl. "What do you mean you'll do it too?" he looks at her with a crazy grin. "I mean I'll do it. Got nothing to live for anyway, dying with a stranger doesn't seem too bad at-least I'm not alone" she says this with the most serious look in her eyes Her eyes were a piercing black. Maybe it's because it's still dark out, but her eyes show so much emotion alone. Rin reaches for her hand and holds onto it tight. Her hands are freezing cold, they feel like ice crystals, so delicate to the point he feels like if he squeezes any tighter, they'll shatter. "Geez how long have you been outside, your hands are freezing" She responds with "I don't know" And continues to gaze down at the body of water that awaits them below. Rin Looks down once more and takes a deep breath. Then turns his head looking towards her and says "What's your name?" "Huh?" "Your name, what is it? I want to know the name of the person I'm going to die with" "Oh, umm Kimiko Abe " "Right Kimiko " "Yours?" She says while still looking down. She looks so eager but afraid, I don't know how to explain her face. She seems in pain. I wonder do I look like that? Is the sadness I carry that noticeable? What good is thinking about this? it only proves that no one cares about me even more. "Umm are you going to answer?" "Yeah, my names Rin, umm Rin Okumura" Kimiko nods her head and puts her focus back to looking below. They stood silent. Rin still gripping her hand. Debating whether he wants to go through with it with Kimiko or step down and continue to suffer. He had already decided he was too tired to keep fighting. He had given up till Kimiko came. Rin thinks maybe Kimiko is some type of hope or sign telling him to continue. This could end up being me leading myself to believe in false hope. Kimiko being here could just be a coincidence. Rin takes another deep breath trying to make his final decision. He lifts one foot ... Kimiko closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. Dad, she thinks will I be able to see you when I die. She feels her arm drag behind her... Opens her eyes and sees that Rin has stepped down the railing. ***    The sun began to rise. Rin was beginning to see the girl's eyes, her face, her black long hair. As the sun rays hit her golden deep dark skin. She's beautiful. Her eyes are just as I saw them black, deep, so full of emotion but empty. The eyes you can just get lost in trying to figure out what they're saying like a poem with a hidden message or a painting with a hidden meaning. Rin did get lost in them as she looked down at him in almost relief is it or disappointment. Did she want to jump? Was she ready? "Come on, we're not jumping today," Rin says still gripping onto her hand afraid if he lets go, she'll jump herself. Why am I holding onto her? if she wants to jump, why stop her? Rin knew that she wanted to be stopped because that's all Rin wanted, someone who cared enough to not want him to die. Even if it was a complete stranger.    There was silence.   Silence, normally Rin didn't like silence. But this silence was ok for him. Rin kept looking at her. Studying her face like it was a piece of art. Her deep tone glowing so vibrantly. She turns around and takes one more glance down at the water and then steps down from the railing.     Her hands are shaking, guess because she was out here for a while. He thinks. Then assists her. Holding her arms tightly as she was coming down.     Rin took his only source of warmth he had, his sweater, and put it on over her cloak. Which doesn't really make sense. "I'm dumb, just take off your jacket and put the sweater under"   "Thanks, Rin, but won't you get cold? I'm okay with the jacket" she says proceeding to push the sweater back in his arms.   "No take it, I've still got a little warmth. Your way colder than I am" he pushes it back into her arms.     It was still a little cold but since the sun rose, it was gradually getting warmer.     "Umm, thank you, "Kimiko says this avoiding eye contact.     "Why didn't you jump?" Her voice was quivering but Rin was able to figure out what she said. Why didn't I jump? Was it, Kimiko? Rin replied with an" I don't know" "Why didn't you, jump?"       She finally looks up and replies "Well I... cause you didn't" And quickly looks away       Rin wasn't satisfied with that answer. But he didn't really give much of an answer himself. He wanted to know this girl. Even though they had just met, he knew that she was there for a reason.      It was morning now. The sun had risen. He stood there with Kimiko and watched it rise. With no words. He simply didn't know what to say. He was so scared of what she would think of him but she seems to not mind the silence or his presence.     Rin started to walk. She followed behind. They walked down the streets. They walked further and further away from the bridge. Kimiko lingering behind him. They did not say a word to each other, almost like they both understood each other's silence. She understood his thoughts and feelings without him having to say anything. "you're lonely aren't you " He hears almost a whisper coming from her. He didn't answer. He only stopped walking. I am lonely ... He didn't finish the thought.   I wish I could say it out loud, can't even say it in my head but if I do does it make it real, will the pain still be there. Kimiko didn't say another word she knew the answer to that question because she felt the same way. She only wanted it to be someone else's words, coming out of someone else's mouth so she didn't feel as lonely. Rin turns around and looks at her. All of a sudden, his phone starts ringing in his pocket. He reaches into his pocket; it was his alarm for class. He checked the time and it was 8:30 am. He completely forgot he had cram school. " Damn it! I got to go; I have class" he smacks his head with his hand. Rin was about to run but he felt a tug at his shirt. He turned around. "Your sweater," she says "Huh?" he turns around confused "you're going to forget your sweater" "Oh yeah, keep it. I'll meet you back at the bridge, umm, same time " and he runs off, hoping he will meet her again. He turns around, thinking this will probably be the last time he sees her, but he's caught by surprise. She's smiling? Kimiko was waving and smiling as Rin ran off. We'll meet again. She thought. I'll meet him again. *** The moment Rin gets home class had already started 30 minutes ago. He got ready quickly No one will care if I'm late, didn't even get a call from Yuki. Rin thought. Why am I surprised, I should've known already. When Rin enters his class. Yuki didn't say anything to him, didn't even yell at him, and Rin wanted Yuki to show reaction even if it was him being scolded at least he would know he cared but he didn't care, he ignored Rin. Rin was only met with stares from his classmates his "friends" the kind of stares that would pierce his heart like knives stabbing over and over never-ending pain. Why didn't I end it, the pain, the emptiness, the loneliness? I had a chance last night. Rin thought about the question Kamiko asked him "Why didn't you jump?" Was she my answer, The sign that I am supposed to live, my hope. I don't know but I hope we meet again. "Sometimes False hope is the hope we need to keep going"
Create my version of this story
Walking in the cool night breeze, wearing nothing but a sweater, was Rin. Rin Okumura. As careless as he is, the chilling air wasn't of mind. He usually sits on the roof right above his room but tonight, Rin felt compelled to take a walk despite it being 3:00 am.  Alone, a haunting feeling that's been, eating at Rin his whole life. Rin mumbles to himself, still roaming the dark of night. This is the time Rin is alone with his thoughts. Though it was always hard for Rin to sleep, insomnia got its best when his dad died. He didn't even try to sleep anymore, there was too much to think about. Each minute yet another thing adds to his already heavy heart. He feels extremely exhausted but unable to close his eyes. Leaving a feeling of  lifelessness. He reminisces through his thoughts. Every step he takes is anxiety-filled. I won't have to feel pain anymore. He smacks his head "Why was I born?!" All his life, he'd been struggling with giving an answer to that question. The moment his life went downhill was when his father was killed not only that he was the reason for his father's death. I am Rin Okumura ... The son of Satan He has kept that secret with him ever since. He knew, that he was different, but he never once thought it was...that. When he was exposed to this secret, he'd come to a realization. He always felt his demon side. He never knew what friends were, he never had friends. Being the son of Satan wasn't a big help in fitting in. When he got to cram school and met Bon, Shiemi, Konekomuru and Shima. He finally knew what it felt like to have friends, to not be alone. Rin kept this secret from everyone. He was too afraid of the way others would treat him if they found out. He knew that no one would ever see him the same. So, when they did, find out it didn't surprise him when he was looked at with those eyes, the eyes of hate and despise. His brother Yukio ignored him even though he knew. He blamed him for the death of his father. Though he wasn't surprised it still hurt. It still cut deep. He felt every one of those stares. The words cut even deeper. The people he called friends. Now hated him. They didn't care. They wanted him dead. "You know those blue flames kill people" "He deserves to be executed" "How long is the Vatican going to let him live?" "Why don't you just die" Those words hurt. Rin thought. Was I not your friend. Do you not cherish the memories we made. "It hurts," he says "it hurts" the pain consumes him. He folds his hands into fists and digs his nails into his palm. He tries to drown out the emotional pain with physical pain. Of course, it doesn't work but, in some ways, it calms him. Rin let a tear fall down his cheek. I'm the same Rin. I'm not just a fucking demon I'm human too. he thought, trying to convince himself. He continues to dig his nails into his palm till they rip through the skin and it starts to bleed. Even he struggled with the question of whether he was a monster or a human. It's not my fault my father is Satan. I didn't harm anyone. I wouldn't hurt anyone. "Damn it! I'm human, I'm human. I'm not evil" He couldn't hold any more tears. They just came flowing down his cheeks. He always wished if there was someone who understood what he was going through or maybe someone who didn't care he was half-demon. Someone, anyone. "That's impossible" Rin whispers "God, I'm so tired!" He's always been tired. Tired of the sleepless nights. The constant pain and loneliness. The heaviness of his heart. If life is this hard, he doesn't want any part of it. Rin was so deep in his thoughts. He didn't notice how far he was walking. He looks around and notices he's on a bridge. Pretty far from the school. He thought of going back but thought what is there waiting for me? What life do I have? Why am I even here? Why do I even exist? Rin steps a foot onto the railing of the bridge. "No one will care" He starts to breathe heavily as he steps forward with his other foot. "Noones going to stop me," he says Rin stands at the railing, arms stretched out. "I don't want to live" " You sure?" and he notices there was a girl standing on the railing right next to him. I guess I didn't notice. "You sure?" She repeats herself "You sure you want to jump cause I'll ... do it if you do it" Rin looks at this girl. "What do you mean you'll do it too?" he looks at her with a crazy grin. "I mean I'll do it. Got nothing to live for anyway, dying with a stranger doesn't seem too bad at-least I'm not alone" she says this with the most serious look in her eyes Her eyes were a piercing black. Maybe it's because it's still dark out, but her eyes show so much emotion alone. Rin reaches for her hand and holds onto it tight. Her hands are freezing cold, they feel like ice crystals, so delicate to the point he feels like if he squeezes any tighter, they'll shatter. "Geez how long have you been outside, your hands are freezing" She responds with "I don't know" And continues to gaze down at the body of water that awaits them below. Rin Looks down once more and takes a deep breath. Then turns his head looking towards her and says "What's your name?" "Huh?" "Your name, what is it? I want to know the name of the person I'm going to die with" "Oh, umm Kimiko Abe " "Right Kimiko " "Yours?" She says while still looking down. She looks so eager but afraid, I don't know how to explain her face. She seems in pain. I wonder do I look like that? Is the sadness I carry that noticeable? What good is thinking about this? it only proves that no one cares about me even more. "Umm are you going to answer?" "Yeah, my names Rin, umm Rin Okumura" Kimiko nods her head and puts her focus back to looking below. They stood silent. Rin still gripping her hand. Debating whether he wants to go through with it with Kimiko or step down and continue to suffer. He had already decided he was too tired to keep fighting. He had given up till Kimiko came. Rin thinks maybe Kimiko is some type of hope or sign telling him to continue. This could end up being me leading myself to believe in false hope. Kimiko being here could just be a coincidence. Rin takes another deep breath trying to make his final decision. He lifts one foot ... Kimiko closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. Dad, she thinks will I be able to see you when I die. She feels her arm drag behind her... Opens her eyes and sees that Rin has stepped down the railing. ***    The sun began to rise. Rin was beginning to see the girl's eyes, her face, her black long hair. As the sun rays hit her golden deep dark skin. She's beautiful. Her eyes are just as I saw them black, deep, so full of emotion but empty. The eyes you can just get lost in trying to figure out what they're saying like a poem with a hidden message or a painting with a hidden meaning. Rin did get lost in them as she looked down at him in almost relief is it or disappointment. Did she want to jump? Was she ready? "Come on, we're not jumping today," Rin says still gripping onto her hand afraid if he lets go, she'll jump herself. Why am I holding onto her? if she wants to jump, why stop her? Rin knew that she wanted to be stopped because that's all Rin wanted, someone who cared enough to not want him to die. Even if it was a complete stranger.    There was silence.   Silence, normally Rin didn't like silence. But this silence was ok for him. Rin kept looking at her. Studying her face like it was a piece of art. Her deep tone glowing so vibrantly. She turns around and takes one more glance down at the water and then steps down from the railing.     Her hands are shaking, guess because she was out here for a while. He thinks. Then assists her. Holding her arms tightly as she was coming down.     Rin took his only source of warmth he had, his sweater, and put it on over her cloak. Which doesn't really make sense. "I'm dumb, just take off your jacket and put the sweater under"   "Thanks, Rin, but won't you get cold? I'm okay with the jacket" she says proceeding to push the sweater back in his arms.   "No take it, I've still got a little warmth. Your way colder than I am" he pushes it back into her arms.     It was still a little cold but since the sun rose, it was gradually getting warmer.     "Umm, thank you, "Kimiko says this avoiding eye contact.     "Why didn't you jump?" Her voice was quivering but Rin was able to figure out what she said. Why didn't I jump? Was it, Kimiko? Rin replied with an" I don't know" "Why didn't you, jump?"       She finally looks up and replies "Well I... cause you didn't" And quickly looks away       Rin wasn't satisfied with that answer. But he didn't really give much of an answer himself. He wanted to know this girl. Even though they had just met, he knew that she was there for a reason.      It was morning now. The sun had risen. He stood there with Kimiko and watched it rise. With no words. He simply didn't know what to say. He was so scared of what she would think of him but she seems to not mind the silence or his presence.     Rin started to walk. She followed behind. They walked down the streets. They walked further and further away from the bridge. Kimiko lingering behind him. They did not say a word to each other, almost like they both understood each other's silence. She understood his thoughts and feelings without him having to say anything. "you're lonely aren't you " He hears almost a whisper coming from her. He didn't answer. He only stopped walking. I am lonely ... He didn't finish the thought.   I wish I could say it out loud, can't even say it in my head but if I do does it make it real, will the pain still be there. Kimiko didn't say another word she knew the answer to that question because she felt the same way. She only wanted it to be someone else's words, coming out of someone else's mouth so she didn't feel as lonely. Rin turns around and looks at her. All of a sudden, his phone starts ringing in his pocket. He reaches into his pocket; it was his alarm for class. He checked the time and it was 8:30 am. He completely forgot he had cram school. " Damn it! I got to go; I have class" he smacks his head with his hand. Rin was about to run but he felt a tug at his shirt. He turned around. "Your sweater," she says "Huh?" he turns around confused "you're going to forget your sweater" "Oh yeah, keep it. I'll meet you back at the bridge, umm, same time " and he runs off, hoping he will meet her again. He turns around, thinking this will probably be the last time he sees her, but he's caught by surprise. She's smiling? Kimiko was waving and smiling as Rin ran off. We'll meet again. She thought. I'll meet him again. *** The moment Rin gets home class had already started 30 minutes ago. He got ready quickly No one will care if I'm late, didn't even get a call from Yuki. Rin thought. Why am I surprised, I should've known already. When Rin enters his class. Yuki didn't say anything to him, didn't even yell at him, and Rin wanted Yuki to show reaction even if it was him being scolded at least he would know he cared but he didn't care, he ignored Rin. Rin was only met with stares from his classmates his "friends" the kind of stares that would pierce his heart like knives stabbing over and over never-ending pain. Why didn't I end it, the pain, the emptiness, the loneliness? I had a chance last night. Rin thought about the question Kamiko asked him "Why didn't you jump?" Was she my answer, The sign that I am supposed to live, my hope. I don't know but I hope we meet again. "Sometimes False hope is the hope we need to keep going"
I stand on the railing of the bridge, looking down at the water.
It's 3 am, and I'm alone.
I've been alone for a long time now.
My friends have all rejected me, my brother hates me, and my father is Satan himself.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I can't keep living like this.
I can't keep living with this loneliness and rejection.
I can't keep living with the knowledge that I'm a halfdemon, a monster.
I can't keep living with the knowledge that I killed my adoptive father and that I'm the son of Satan himself.
I can't keep living with the knowledge that I'm not human, that I'm not normal, that I'm not good enough.
I can't keep living with this complex about my identity and relationships.
I can't keep living with this pain and suffering.
I can't keep living like this anymore.
And so, I stand on the railing of the bridge, looking down at the water, contemplating suicide.
My friends, driven away by my demonic secret, have abandoned me.
They've left me alone because they can't handle my problems.
They can't handle the fact that I'm a halfdemon, that I'm the son of Satan.
They can't handle my pain and suffering.
They can't handle my anger and frustration.
They can't handle the weight of my existence.
They can't handle the burden of my life.
I didn't want to lie to them, so I told them the truth.
I told them everything, I spilled my heart out to them.
I told them that I was a halfdemon, that I was the son of Satan, that I had killed my adoptive father.
I told them that I was a monster, that I was evil, that I was dangerous, that I was bad.
I told them that I was struggling with my identity and relationships, that I was troubled and conflicted.
I told them that I was sad, that I was in pain, that I was suffering.
And it was too much for them to bear.
It was too much for them to handle.
It was too much for them to take.
It was too much for them to process.
It was too much for them to understand.
It was too much for them to accept.
And so, they left me alone on the bridge at 3 am.
They left me alone with my thoughts and emotions.
They left me alone with my struggles and burdens.
They left me alone with my demons and monsters.
They left me alone with my fears and insecurities.
They left me alone with my pain and suffering.
Even Shiemi, the sweetest and kindest girl in the world, left me all alone on the bridge at 3 am.
She used to be my closest friend in the world.
She used to be the only person who truly cared about me in the world.
She used to be the only person who truly loved me in the world.
She used to be the only person who truly accepted me in the world.
She used to be the only person who was there for me in the world.
But she doesn't want anything to do with me anymore.
She doesn't want to be associated with me anymore.
She doesn't want to be seen with me anymore.
She doesn't want to talk to me anymore.
She doesn't want to help me anymore.
She doesn't want to save me anymore.
Because she can't handle being friends with a halfdemon like me anymore.
Because she can't handle being friends with someone as evil as me anymore.
Because she can't handle being friends with someone as dangerous as me anymore.
Because she can't handle being friends with someone as bad as me anymore.
And so, she left me all alone on the bridge at 3 am like everyone else did.
The only one who didn't leave me all alone on the bridge at 3 am is Yukio, my precious little brother.
But he's not really here either.
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And who could blame him?
Yukio is an exorcist after all, someone whose job it is to kill demons like me for a living.
Yukio is an exorcist after all, someone whose life's mission it is to destroy demons like me in order to protect humanity from monsters like myself and our father who is Satan himself.
Yukio is an exorcist after all, someone whose destiny it is to fight against demons like myself and our father till the end of time until we are both dead and gone from this world forevermore.
And if he wasn't an exorcist, he would have abandoned me too just like everyone else did because he can't handle being associated with a halfdemon like me either since he's a full human unlike myself who's merely a half human.
The sun rises in the sky and illuminates the bridge.
It's 6 am now and the water below the bridge is sparkling.
A new day has arrived in the world.
Morning has broken in the world.
Another day has come and gone in the world.
And I'm still standing on the railing of the bridge.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I don't know how to move forward with my life.
I don't know how to be happy again.
I don't know how to make others happy again.
I don't know how to make things right again.
I don't know how to fix my relationships again.
I don't know how to gain my friends' trust again.
I don't know how to regain my brother's love again.
I don't know how to recover from my trauma again.
I don't know how to heal my soul again.
I don't know how to save myself from myself again.
And so, I stand on the railing of the bridge and let myself be engulfed by the weight of my true identity just like always.
I stand on the railing of the bridge and let myself be consumed by the knowledge that I'm a halfdemon just like always.
I stand on the railing of the bridge and let myself be tormented by the fact that I'm the son of Satan just like always.
I stand on the railing of the bridge and let myself be haunted by the truth that I'm the spawn of the King of Gehenna just like always.
I stand on the railing of the bridge and let myself be reminded that I'm the very definition of evil just like always.
I stand on the railing of the bridge and let myself be plagued by the fact that my mere existence is a threat to humanity just like always.
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It's been three weeks since he's died.
It's been three weeks since I've killed him.
It's been three weeks since I've lost him.
It's been three weeks since I've left him.
And I've been in this state ever since.
Or at least it feels like it.
Three weeks is too long to feel like this.
It feels like it was just yesterday when he died.
It feels like it was just yesterday when I killed him.
It feels like it was just yesterday when he left me.
It feels like it was just yesterday when he lost me.
The demon within me purrs at the memory of his lifeless body lying in a pool of blood and grinning at me with blue flames in his eyes.
It purrs at the memory of my tears streaming down my face as I realized that I'm completely alone in this world now.
It purrs at the memory of my life collapsing around me and the realization that there's no one left to pick up the pieces.
It purrs at the memory of my heart breaking into a million pieces and the realization that there's no one left to put it back together.
It purrs at the memory of my soul crying out in agony and the realization that there's no one left to soothe it.
It purrs at the memory of my body shaking uncontrollably and the realization that there's no one left to calm it.
It purrs at the memory of my chest tightening painfully and the realization that there's no one left to relieve it.
It purrs at the memory of my mind spiraling into darkness and the realization that there's no one left to bring me back.
The demon within me purrs at the memory of my existence collapsing into itself and the realization that there's no one left to save me.
"Jump, Rin," it hisses.
I'm not sure how long it'll keep me here before it wins.
Before I jump.
I didn't go to his funeral.
I didn't want to see them staring at me like they saw a monster.
I didn't want to hear them whispering behind my back about how evil I am.
I didn't want to have to pretend like everything's fine, or like anything was normal.
I didn't want to have to act like nothing happened or like he didn't die.
I didn't want to have to deal with them looking through me like they could see Satan himself standing before them.
I didn't want to have to hold myself together when I was falling apart inside.
I didn't want to have to face them after they learned what I am.
I didn't want to have to see them run away from me like they should've done a long time ago.
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If they knew what I really was, they would've never gotten close to me in the first place.
I'm not worth the pain or the trouble.
I'm not worth keeping around or saving.
I'm not worth the effort or the sacrifice.
I'm not worth the love or the affection.
I'm not worth the tears or the heartache.
I'm not worth the problems or the dangers.
It would've been better for him if he never saved me from dying in that fire and left me there to burn to death like I deserved to do.
It would've been better for him if he never adopted me with Yukio and left me to die like I deserved to do.
It would've been better for him if he never loved me like I was his own son and left me to burn in hell where I belong.
It would've been better for him if he never accepted me and left me to suffer alone like I deserve to do.
It would've been better for him if he never taught me how to be a good person and left me to rot in Gehenna where I came from.
It would've been better for him if he never showed me any kindness and left me to be devoured by demons like I deserve to do.
There's nothing good about me, and there never will be.
There's nothing pure about me, and there never will be.
There's nothing kind about me, and there never will be.
There's nothing human about me, and there never will be.
There's nothing happy about me, and there never will be.
There's nothing worthwhile about me, and there never will be.
The world would be a much better place without me in it, so why am I still here?
Why haven't I jumped yet?
Why haven't I let go yet?
Why haven't I ended my life yet?
As far as anyone else is concerned, I'm already dead, so why am I still alive?
"Jump, Rin," it coos, sounding more and more convincing with each passing moment.
I can't stay here any longer or it'll win.
It's only a matter of time before it takes control and jumps for me, but it doesn't matter.
It's not like anyone will care or miss me anyway.
It's not like anyone will grieve for me or visit my grave anyway.
It's not like anyone will cry for me or mourn for me anyway.
It's not like anyone will think of me or remember me anyway.
It's not like anyone will care about me or love me anyway.
It's not like anyone will save me or help me anyway.
I'll never belong anywhere with anyone because I'm nothing to no one except a demon, so it's time to let go and jump into the darkness below.
It's time to end my life and escape from this pain and loneliness forever because there's no one left to stop me or save me and no reason to go on living anyway!
"Are you planning to jump?"
A voice suddenly calls out from behind me, startling me so much that I lose my balance and fall off the railing onto the bridge below.
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I thought I was all alone out here on this bridge with no one else around for miles, so when a total stranger suddenly appears behind me and asks if I'm planning to jump, it catches me so off guard that my breath literally catches in my throat as if someone has just reached down my throat and physically choked it out of me while simultaneously shoving my heart into my stomach and forcing me to swallow it whole!
As I lay there on the cold ground looking up at the sky with my heart hammering loudly in my chest as if it's trying to break out and escape from its cage before it's too late, wondering what just happened and who just spoke to me so suddenly out of nowhere and why they're asking me such a bizarrely specific question that I wasn't expecting at all and don't want to answer because it's none of their business, I'm hit by a sudden wave of vertigo so intense that the world seems to spin around and around and around as if I'm stuck inside an old-fashioned merry-go-round at an abandoned amusement park somewhere!
When I finally manage to push myself up onto my hands and knees so that I can get a better look at the person who just appeared behind me out of nowhere and called out to me in such a sudden and unexpected way while I was preparing to jump off the bridge, the first thing I notice about them is their eyes.
Their eyes are dark as night while staring up at the sky with a blank expression, but if you look closely enough into them for long enough, you can start to see the stars twinkling in them as they slowly begin to reflect the night sky above.
It's almost like gazing into the heavens themselves or looking through the depths of space toward infinity while trying to find something beautiful within all the darkness.
It's almost like staring at a black hole somewhere out in the universe while trying to find something worth saving within all the emptiness.
It's almost like peering into a dark mirror while trying to find something good within all the evil.
The second thing I notice about them is how their golden dark skin seems to absorb all the light around them until it's as dark as their eyes.
It's almost like looking at a black hole or a void while trying to see where it ends or what's inside of it, only you can't because it goes on forever and there's nothing inside of it just like there's nothing inside of them except darkness.
It's almost like looking at an eclipse or some other cosmic event while being unable to look away even though you know you're not supposed to because it might hurt you or drive you insane, only you can't help yourself no matter how hard you try.
It's almost like looking at a raven or some other large black bird while being unable to tell where its feathers end or where its shadow begins, only you can't tell because it's too dark where you are and you're too far away from it to see anything clearly or figure anything out.
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When the sound of the river below us rises up to meet us like a dark and powerful tide, it washes over me and pulls me away from them at the same time by drowning out everything else and filling my ears with its crashing waves that threaten to consume me whole as they echo throughout my head and course through my veins.
When the sound of the crickets above us rises up to meet us like an army of warriors marching off to battle in the night, it surrounds me and shields me from them by overpowering everything else and cutting through the silence with its fierce and unrelenting strength while raising the hairs on the back of my neck and filling the air with its haunting melody.
When the sound of the water below us meets the sound of the crickets above us, they fall in line together while combining their forces to create a symphony of destruction as they drown out all other sounds while reaching for the stars.
When the sound of the river and the crickets reaches me, I close my eyes and try to block it out while pushing myself back up onto my hands and knees so that I can get a better look at them, but all I see when I open my eyes again is a tall figure standing on the railing next to me with their arms spread out to either side as they sway back and forth in the wind like a tree or some other large object being blown around by a powerful storm.
When the sound of the river and the crickets reaches them, they turn their head to the side and glance over at me as if they can sense my presence even though they couldn't see me before.
When they see me, they don't scream or run away, but instead they let out a soft gasp as if someone just surprised them while trying to keep their balance by holding out one of their hands toward me.
When they reach out to me, they don't say anything, but instead they gesture for me to take their hand while urging me to come with them.
When I see them reaching out to me, I can't help but take a step back while staring at their hand and wondering if I should take it or not.
When I'm standing on the edge of the bridge, I can't help but look down at the water below while wondering if I should jump or not.
When I'm about to make a decision that will change my life forever, I can't help but hesitate for a moment while wondering what will happen if I wait a little longer and see what else might come along.
When I'm trying to figure out what to do next, I can't help but look up at the stars above while wondering how much longer I'll be able to hold on without falling off.
When I'm standing on the railing next to them, I can't help but reach out and take their hand while stepping down to stand beside them because there's nothing left for me here except this one last chance to find something beautiful in all the darkness before I fall back into the abyss below and disappear forever.
When they see me standing next to them with my hand still held out, they let out a soft sigh of relief as if I just saved them from some terrible fate while reaching out to take my hand in theirs before stepping down to stand beside me so that we're closer together than we were before.
When they're standing next to me, they don't say anything, but instead they wrap one of their arms around my back while guiding my other hand onto their shoulder so that we're pressed up against each other tightly like two pieces of a puzzle or two halves of a whole.
When they're holding onto me like this, my heart starts beating so fast that I think it's going to burst out of my chest while my body starts shaking so much that I think I'm going to lose control of myself and fall apart into a million pieces before finally disappearing into the wind.
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